


what dreams may come

by mnemememory



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Astrid, Vague Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:20:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22691665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mnemememory/pseuds/mnemememory
Summary: On the bad days, Essek reminds Caleb so much of Astrid.(or; caleb widogast has a type)
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 9
Kudos: 218





	what dreams may come

...

...

**what dreams may come**

...

...

On the bad days, Essek reminds Caleb so much of Astrid.

They have the same slight kind of smile, a savageness that goes otherwise hidden underneath layers of slick calm. Essek is quiet and awkward; Astrid is brash and bold; they both hold such a capacity for violence. Caleb dreams of blood on fingers – his fingers, her fingers. He dreams of swimming without end. He dreams of a darkened, starless sky and eyes that hold the secrets of the universe.

Today is a bad day.

“I’m afraid I don’t have much time today,” Essek says, leading Caleb up to his tower. Even though Caleb had never stated an intention to visit, Essek always seems to know when the mood will take him. “The Bright Queen wants me to look over some trade agreements – nothing that would interest you –”

“That is fine,” Caleb says. He works hard to keep his voice even and his hands steady. The air smells cold and clean. Acid clings to the back of his throat. “I just need the company.’

“Alright,” Essek says, and lets it be.

Caleb is over often enough now to have memorized every inch of stone, every chip in the brickwork, ever scar on the floorboards. His feet are steady in this familiarity, even as his mind sways. They enter into Essek’s study, and Caleb automatically goes over to curl up in an armchair that hadn’t _explicitly_ been brought up for his use, but no one else used it anyway. Even when Jester invades this space, with her bright eyes and her brighter smile, she knows better than to sit down there.

They both go quiet.

Frumpkin stretches out from around Caleb’s neck and jumps onto his lap, spine arching away the stiffness. Caleb reaches up to run his hands through the fur, letting the repetitive motions calm his hurried thoughts. Even with this distraction, though, he can’t concentrate on his notes. Things flicker in his peripheral at a rate too rapid to keep up with. Every two seconds, his eyes land on a different thing. _Books. Spell components. Essek. Essek. Essek._

Essek looks lovely, hunched over his desk, a frown furrowing deep between his eyes. Astrid had been much the same with her assignments – _It needs to be_ perfect _, Bren, or they might –_

Or they might –

Caleb jerks his eyes back to the roof. Wooden slats. Books. Spell components. Essek.

(Essek, Essek, Essek –)

At the core of it, they are frustratingly similar people. Caleb apparently has a type. Enough ambition to topple reality. Astrid wants to take down Trent, wants to seize power, and Essek…Essek wants to know everything. There’s a hunger in his eyes that Caleb doesn’t know how to sate.

_I am lonely_ , Essek says, and then cloisters himself away in his tower and forgets to eat for three days straight. Caleb has Nott. Caleb has Nott, and Jester, and Beau, and Fjord, and Yasha and Caduceus. They breathe the same air, they live in the same house, they keep track of each other. (They try to keep track of each other).

Essek has all of them, of course, but they are so frequently gone.

“You are distracted,” Essek says, not looking up from his papers.

“You are distracting,” Caleb says, a shadow of a smile building in the corners of his mouth. His stomach isn’t quite strong enough to hold down any food, but he’s almost hungry again. If he wants, he knows, he could simply stand up and walk downstairs to the kitchen. Essek has begun stocking some of the more…unusual of Jester’s requests, which means bountiful amounts of pastries and fruit. 

“Is something the matter?” Essek says. He straights up from his desk and turns to look directly at Caleb. “You are usually better at blocking out whatever is disturbing you.”

“I am fine,” Caleb says.

“Caleb,” Essek says with a frown.

“I will be fine,” Caleb amends. “I was not lying when I said I wanted company.’

“Are you sure it is my company you were seeking?” Essek asks mildly.

Caleb freezes.

They are so similar, Astrid and Essek. Essek and Astrid. They both can read him too well.

Essek turns fully in his chair, so that they are sitting face-to-face. The study is not so big that Caleb can avoid his probing gaze. His expression is soft as he takes in Caleb’s sloped posture, his baggard face and vomit-pale lips. He pinches his nose and lets out a long breath.

“You are looking through me,” he explains.

Caleb finds his voice, stomach rolling. “I am sorry,” he says past his panic. “That was – it was not my intention to come here and –”

“Caleb, it is fine,” Essek says. “I don’t mind. I just want you to be honest with me.”

“I’m being as honest as I can,” Caleb says. “I am more honest with you than I am with myself.”

“And I appreciate that,” Essek says. “But it feels as though we are conversing about something more than a simple night terror.”

Caleb’s smile is strained. “I suppose you could call her that.”

“Her?”

Caleb feels something hot and wet stick in his throat. He abruptly wants to throw up all over again, purge his insides and scrub them clean. His arms itch so very badly.

Soft hands slide around Caleb’s wrists. Essek is very close, pulling Caleb’s fingers away from his raw skin.

“Caleb,” Essek says, eyes intense. “What is bothering you?”

“The Empire…” Caleb says, accent thickening as memory and reality begin to blur. “I have done so many terrible things in the name of what I thought was good, and just.”

“That is not who you are now,” Essek says. He makes no move to release Caleb. “Who do you see when you look at me? Who is the woman who haunts you?”

“My best friend,” Caleb says, and then he can’t stop. “Her name was – her name is Astrid, and she was beautiful, and driven, and passionate.”

Essek flushes slightly and pulls back. He doesn’t let go of Caleb’s hands.

“She has grown into a monster,” Caleb says. “And I see her spirit in your eyes.”

Essek lets out a small laugh. “Everyone is a little bit of a monster,” he says. He lets go of one of Caleb’s wrists to gesture towards the darkened window. “Look around.”

“I am scared of what she has become,” Caleb says. It chokes him. “And I am scared of what you may become, with enough time.”

“You loved her,” Essek says.

“I love a great many people,” Caleb says. “But yes. I loved her.”

“I, too, have seen the rise and fall of good friends. Mostly the fall. I am greedy in my search for understanding, but I am careful in my trust. And I trust you.”

“She was everything to me,” Caleb says. “She was the sun. She burned so bright.”

“I am the Shadowhand,” Essek says. He is staring directly into Caleb’s eyes. In the corner, Jester’s parasol sits against the wall, carefully placed away from any hazardous materials. “I am not built for the day.”

“I fear I will do the same,” Caleb says. “I will burn you, as I have burned so many others.

Essek stands up and settles himself onto the side of Caleb’s armchair, hesitantly wrapping one strong arm around Caleb’s shoulders. Caleb leans in and struggles to breathe.

“I am not Astrid,” Essek says. “I will make very different mistakes.”

“I do not mind,” Caleb says. “I enjoy your mistakes.”

“And I enjoy yours,” Essek says. He pulls slides to the ground and pulls Caleb to his feet. “Come. I am making little progress with these infernal documents. I have a new spell I can teach you.”

Caleb staggers as blood rushes to his brain. Essek catches him.

“But first, breakfast,” he says. He firmly leads Caleb towards the door. If Caleb maybe leans a bit more heavily on Essek’s shoulder than strictly necessary – well. Neither of them minded.

...

...

**Author's Note:**

> I'M BACK
> 
> sorry for my little break, but I just got back home and now have access to my computer once again. hope this makes up for my radio silence <3
> 
> someday, I will write a ship fic where they kiss. someday...
> 
> (if I don't manage to post something else before Friday, happy Valentine's Day!)


End file.
